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Discord
© Frontier Creations, Inc.
by Dave Tucker
CAST
DORIS: The choir director
JACKIE: a choir member
SHERRY: a choir member
CHUCK: a choir member
RONNIE: a choir member
TANYA: a choir member
KARLA: a choir member
Time: The present
Setting: The choir rehearsal room
KARLA, CHUCK, and RONNIE are waiting in the choir room. SHERRY has just put on her robe and is getting ready. DORIS enters.
DORIS: Okay, people, ten more minutes. Look alive. I want to see lots of smiles. You can’t make a joyful noise with a frown on your face. We want to make beautiful music. We want to bring forth soul-stirring emotion, so if you can’t feel the joy, then fake it. Karla, what color are those shoes?
KARLA: (looking down at her feet) They’re…um .. they’re…
DORIS: Better yet, what color are they not?
KARLA: (sheepishly) They’re… …
DORIS: Are they black?
KARLA: No.
DORIS: Are they navy?
KARLA: No.
DORIS: Then what are they?
KARLA: ….Unacceptable?
DORIS: Bingo!
KARLA: But I –
DORIS: Karla!
KARLA: (cursing under her breath as she goes) Genesis Exodus Leviticus Numbers Deuteronomy - KARLA: exits reluctantly.
DORIS: Put away the magazine, Ronnie, you’re supposed to be thinking about nothing but music. RONNIE: hides magazine and DORIS: exits.
CHUCK: What are you reading?
RONNIE: (showing him the magazine) It’s a catalog.
CHUCK: Of what?
RONNIE: Tupperware.
CHUCK: Really?
CHUCK and RONNIE pore over catalog. TANYA enters.
TANYA: Am I late?
SHERRY: Are you ever on time?
TANYA: Don’t tell the warden, okay?
SHERRY: She already noticed. You missed warm ups.
TANYA: That’s okay. I have a CD in my car – I sing along with that.
SHERRY: You have a CD of today’s selections?
TANYA: No – ZZ Top. They have just the right range for me.
CHUCK: So you have to pick something out from here?
RONNIE: Yeah, Marilyn gave me a bunch of Tupper-bucks for my birthday.
CHUCK: Tupper-what?
RONNIE: They’re like gift certificates for Tupperware. See, Marilyn wanted to throw me a birthday party, but it was the same night she was hosting a Tupperware party, so she kind of combined the two. So I get to pick out any item from between page four and page seventeen.
CHUCK: Sweet!
RONNIE: Yeah.
TANYA: (at the snack table) Hey, who ate all the maple bars?
SHERRY: Show up on time and you’ll get one.
TANYA grabs her robe and exits.
RONNIE: So what do you think about this Spaghetti Dispenser?
CHUCK: That’s pretty cool. “Special insert allows for easy spaghetti pouring and measuring.”
RONNIE: Holds one point one liters.
CHUCK: Yeah. Do you make spaghetti a lot?
RONNIE: Never. But I could use it to hold my golf balls.
JACKIE: enters.
JACKIE: Is Tanya here yet?
SHERRY: She just came in.
JACKIE: Too bad. I was hoping she wouldn’t make it.
SHERRY: Jackie!
JACKIE: Well, she’s always off-key. Drives me crazy.
SHERRY: She’s not that bad.
JACKIE: Oh, yes she is! Sometimes it hurts so much I can feel the blood vessels popping behind my eyes.
SHERRY: I think you’re exaggerating.
JACKIE: No, I’m not – I have perfect pitch. Just ask Chuck. Chuck, doesn’t Tanya sing off-key?
CHUCK: (engrossed in catalogue) Huh? Umm… yeah, sometimes.
JACKIE: See.
SHERRY: I don’t think it’s that bad. Ronnie, really, is she that bad?
RONNIE: (engrossed in catalog) You mean Tanya? She just screeches once in a while – like a rock star or something.
TANYA: enters, holding a choir robe.
TANYA: Okay, this isn’t my robe – I know my robe and this isn’t it. Were you talking about me?
All stare, but say nothing. DORIS enters.
DORIS: Alright everybody, look alive – only a couple more minutes. Smiles. Smiles. Let me see some smiles.
Everyone smiles at DORIS in unison.
DORIS: Great. Remember, we want to make people happy. Happy, happy, happy. Show some joy, joy, joy.
CHUCK: (slaps fist on chest and rises it into the air in salutation) O mighty Caesar, speak and we obey!
DORIS gives CHUCK a disapproving look as KARLA enters wearing different shoes. TANYA exits.
DORIS: Karla? New shoes?
KARLA: Yes.
DORIS: What color are they?
KARLA: (sheepishly) They’re… …
DORIS: Are they black?
KARLA: No.
DORIS: Are they navy?
KARLA: No.
DORIS: Then what are they?
KARLA: …Unacceptable?
DORIS: Bullseye!
KARLA: (cursing under her breath as she goes) Joshua Judges Ruth First and Second Samuel First and Second Kings - KARLA exits.
CHUCK: Hey! Sponge Bob Soup Cups! You gotta get those!
RONNIE: Don’t be silly - I can’t get Sponge Bob Soup Cups.
CHUCK: Why not?
RONNIE: I don’t eat soup.
JACKIE: Doris, do you think Tanya sings off key?
DORIS: Well, yeah, sometimes.
JACKIE: So why don’t you do something?
DORIS: Like what, Jackie?
JACKIE: I don’t know. Can you tell her not to come any more?
DORIS: Look, I can’t kick her out just because she hits an occasional sour note.
TANYA: enters.
TANYA: Has anybody seen my music book? Number twenty-seven? Anybody? Were you talking about me?
RONNIE: Now, this is a possibility. The Stow ‘N Go sports Bottle.
CHUCK: It’s just a water bottle.
RONNIE: But look, you can unscrew the bottom, and there’s a special compartment where you can store your keys or money or something.
CHUCK: Hey, that’s great!
RONNIE: Yeah.
TANYA: You were you talking about me, weren’t you?
CHUCK: We were just…you know,…. Looking at a catalog.
TANYA: What catalog?
RONNIE: Tupperware.
TANYA: Oh, yeah, like I’m going to believe that! If you’re going to say mean things about me, at least you can admit it. TANYA exits angrily.
KARLA enters.
DORIS: Karla?
KARLA: They’re navy – okay? Aren’t they navy? They look like navy to me!
DORIS: But I can see your toes, Karla. You know better than that. No open-toed shoes.
KARLA: (cursing under her breath as she goes) Ezra Nehemiah Esther Job Psalms Proverbs Ecclesiates
CHUCK: What about this cheese grater? You like cheese.
RONNIE: Yeah. But I don’t grate cheese that much.
CHUCK: But if you had this, you would. Look, there’s a measuring bin attached to the back so you can measure the cheese as you grate it. No more guess work.
RONNIE: Okay.
CHUCK: And the grater is “stay-sharp stainless steel,” no less.
RONNIE: …Yeah….
CHUCK: And it stands up on the counter to make it “the most stable and fastest grater you’ve ever used.”
RONNIE: I like that bin on the back.
CHUCK: Yeah, when you’re gating cheese, the cheese falls lightly into the cup – it’s doesn’t get all smooshed up.
RONNIE: And I can grate multiple types of cheese and mix them together as I’m grating.
CHUCK: And you can store it in the fridge, too, so you can grate your cheese and then use it later. You know, like when you’re watching the game or something, you can be grating cheese and then store it for a meal later in the week.
RONNIE: Good idea.
KARLA enters, barefoot.
KARLA: Does anybody have any shoes I can borrow?
SHERRY: Not me.
JACKIE: Me neither. Check the closet in the vestibule – there may be something in there.
KARLA exits. DORIS enters.
DORIS: Okay, come one, people, get a move on. Only two minutes! I don’t see anybody smiling!
All smile in unison.
SHERRY: Are you going to give a pep talk?
DORIS: Not exactly a pep talk, just a few words of encouragement-
CHUCK: Here it comes.
DORIS: All right, just so you know – you’ve worked hard, you put some serious effort into this, and I realize it was a last minute deal –
JACKIE: But what about Tanya?
DORIS: What about her?
JACKIE: She’s flat.
DORIS: You’re just going to have to live with it.
JACKIE: Oh, come on, it gives me a migraine just listening to her behind me.
DORIS: I’m sorry, Jackie but you’ll just have to ignore it.
JACKIE: Ignore that? As horrific as it sounds? Guys! Give me some support here. Ron, don’t you think that Tanya is flat?
RONNIE: I can’t really tell.
JACKIE: Oh, for crying out loud…What about you, Chuck? Don’t you think that Tanya is flat?
TANYA: enters, unseen the others.
CHUCK: Actually, I’ve always felt that Tanya is sharp.
TANYA, upon hearing in this, smiles, and smoothes her outfit.
DORIS: Well, like I was saying, our job is to bring forth joy-
KARLA: enters. Everyone looks at her feet.
CHUCK and RONNIE: Combat Boots?
DORIS: Karla-
KARLA: Are they the wrong color, Doris?
DORIS: No, but-
KARLA: Are they open-toed shoes, Doris?
DORIS: No, but-
KARLA: Then I don’t want to hear it.
DORIS: (under her breath) Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations, Ezekie, lDaniel (with a pause) As I was saying we have to bring the place to life – fill it with sunshine. You may not feel so great yourself, but we owe it to everybody sitting out there to give them the time of their lives. Smiles- everywhere. Look like you’re enjoying it. Make a joyful noise…and wear a joyful expression. Now let me see you smile.
All smile in unison.
DORIS: Okay, get out there and make those people happy. We’re going to make sure that this is the best funeral service they’ve ever seen.
All exit.
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