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Free Puppet Script: Captain Raymond (no Christian references)

Here's a fun skit with a positive message for those occasions when you can't use a Bible message. It is great for public schools, parks, fairs and whenever you just need purposeful programming and can't quote scripture.


© Frontier Creations, Inc.

By Matthew Spite

Characters
Raymond: Shoop
Fairy Godfather: Mr. Crabbe
Butler: Mr. Quimper
Townspeople: Assorted puppets
Fairy Godmother: Mrs. Crabbe
Mom: Rosemary

Raymond: I hate being a kid. I have to do chores! I have to do homework! I have to go to bed at eight! I have to listen to my parents! I have to listen to my teachers! I have to listen to everybody! If I were grown up.I wouldn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. I want to be a fireman! I want to be a peanut farmer in Ethiopia! I want to be a guy who makes a fortune selling real estate and then goes on TV to sell his secret success plan for only $39.95! (PAUSE) On second thought, I know what I really want to do. I want to be a superhero. I would get all the pretty girls, be famous and popular, and I would never have to go to bed at eight again. I may even save the world every once in a while.

Mom (OFFSTAGE): Raymond Fredrick Charles!

Raymond: Gulp, yes, mother.

Mom: (ENTERING) Your room is a mess. I want it cleaned up right now before I call City Hall and tell them they can use your room as the area dump.

Raymond: (MUTTERS) Man! Superheroes don’t have to clean their room!

Mom: What was that?

Raymond: Nothing. I’m cleaning! (MOM EXITS) I hate cleaning my room. I'll bet superheroes never have to clean their rooms. I wish I was a superhero! Captain Raymond, no Super Ray…

Fairy Godfather: (APPEARS SUDDENLY) Excuse me, young man.

Raymond: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, who are you!

Fairy Godfather: I am Bruusclarkpete Waynkentarker, your Fairy Godfather.

Raymond: Bru... Bruuscla...?

Fairy Godfather: Nevermind. My friends call me Bruce but you can just call me Fairy Godfather.

Raymond: Thanks. (PAUSE) Wait a minute! I thought it was supposed to be a fairy godmother. Cinderella definitely had a fairy godmother.

Fairy Godfather: Cinderella? Pshhhhh. I hate to break it to you son, but Cinderella is not real person. Besides, your fairy godmother is busy, so you are stuck with me.

Raymond: Oh.

Fairy Godfather: But today is your special day!

Raymond: Is it?

Fairy Godfather: Yes. (CLEARS THROAT) Behold! I have come to grant unto thee a wish.

Raymond: A wish? You mean I can have anything I want? All I have to do is ask, and you will give it to me?

Fairy Godfather: (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) Kids these days. (TO RAYMOND)That has generally been the historical definition of the word "wish."

Raymond: Cool, my wish is—I want to be a superhero!

Fairy Godfather: A superhero?

Raymond: Yes, I want to save the world!

Fairy Godfather: That is your wish?

Raymond: Yes, I told you before.

Fairy Godfather: Are you sure you don’t want a million foot yacht with that?

Raymond: Oh, boy, can I?

Fairy Godfather: No, it was a rhetorical question. What do I look like, your fairy godmother?

Raymond: Uhh…

Fairy Godfather: Antoher rhetorical question! You want to be a superhero and save the world?

Raymond: Yes, Captain Raymond is ready!

Fairy Godfather: Okay, then. You can be a superhero. (WAVE A WAND OR MAKES "MAGICAL" PASSES WITH HIS HANDS) Bodda Boom Bodda Bang Beya Bodda Boom Superhero!

Raymond: Wow, I feel like a superhero! Captain Raymond at your service.

Fairy Godfather: Yeah, yeah, you’re practically an admiral. But I got to go pick up your godmother, now. Have fun! (BEGINS EXIT)

Raymond: Hey,wait a minute... Where is my superhero outfit?

Fairy Godfather: In your superhero closet!

Raymond: Do I have any superhero powers?

Fairy Godfather: Nope, real superheroes do not have "super powers"... well, except in the movies, but animals can talk in the movies too, sooooo…

Raymond: Man! What kind of fairy godfather are you?

FGF: The kind that has to leave, ariva derci. Have fun saving the world, kid. (EXIT)

Raymond: Errrrrrrrr, I have to go find my superhero costume. (EXITS AND COMMENTS FROM OFFSTAGE)This is my costume???! (RETUNS WITH AN UGLY AND OVERSIZED SOMETHING. HE DOES NOT NEED TO BE WEARING IT) Man, this looks like something my dad would wear.

Butler: (ENTERS) Ahem. Excuse me, sir.

Raymond: Who are you?

Butler: Your Butler, sir.

Raymond: Wow, I have my own butler? Ummm…okay, I will…I will have a lemonade, and how about a Snickers™ bar? Oh, can I have that by the pool?

Butler: Sir, you may not have a Snickers™ bar.

Raymond: Why not?

Butler: Because you are on the North Shore diet, sir.

Raymond: What!

Butler: As a superhero you have to keep in tip-top shape.

Raymond: Ooooooh.

Butler: Yes, sir.

Raymond: Can I have a Power Bar™ and a Diet Coke™ then?

Butler: No, sir, but we can go though this morning’s itinerary.

Raymond: I have an itinerary?

Butler: First, we have to do this morning’s work out. Then, you need to give a speech on water balloon safety to a kindergarten class. After that you go to superhero school to learn…

Raymond: What??! I gotta go to school? I am a superhero, why do I have to go to school?

Butler: To be a better superhero, sir.

Raymond: Is there umm…math at superhero school?

Butler: No sir.

Raymond: Well, that's something.

Butler: There is Super Math.

Raymond: Super Math???!

Butler: Of course, sir, Super Math is very important to superheroes. How else are you going to learn how to balance you superhero checkbook?

Raymond: I have my own checkbook?

Butler: Yes, sir.

Raymond: Wow, let’s go spend some money!

Butler: Sorry sir, after paying your bills and my salary, there is little money left for extravagant spending.

Raymond: That figures.

Butler: Then, after school, you need to eat lunch…
 
Raymond: Ooo, with all the beautiful, drop dead gorgeous, hot, beautiful babes.

Butler: No sir. This is Whakanatoo, Idaho, not Hollywood.

Raymond: Whakacanoe?

Butler: No, Whakanatoo, Now, back to the schedule. After lunch, you need to clean your room…

Raymond: Wait a minute. I thought that is what I paid you to do.

Butler: Sir, it is your superhero room... not mine. I clean my room, and you need to… (SOUND EFX: Phone Ringing) Let me get that, sir, that is my job.

Raymond: At least you do something.

Butler: Hello, Captain Raymond’s… yes…yes…yes… you do not say…no…yes…goodness, that sounds dangerous… yes…no… it’s for you, Captain Raymond.

Raymond: (WITH A LITTLE BOY VOICE) Hello? (SUDDNELY REMEMBERS AND USES DEEP VOICE) This is Captain Raymond.

Voice on the phone: Help us, Captain Raymond. This is the Mayor Bill McGoo of Whakanatoo, and we need your help. There is a great big, humongous, asparagus monster terrorizing the town. It may eat us all. Please, come quickly.

Raymond: Are you crazy?

Voice: No, I am Bill. I thought I already said that.

Raymond: But what if it eats me? There is no way I am going to get eaten to save Whakatutu.

Voice: Whakanatoo

Raymond: Whakawhatever, I am not risking my life for…

Butler: Ahem.

Raymond: Just a second, Mayor. (TO BUTLER) What now?

Butler: May I remind you sir, that as resident superhero, your job is to lay your life on the line like a sacrificial lamb to save the town.

Raymond: Why don’t you save them?

Butler: Sir, you are the one who wants to be a superhero.

Raymond: Errrrrrrrrrrr! (TO MAYOR ON PHONE) I’ll be right there!!! (HANG UP)

Raymond: Okay, Mr. Butler, let’s go.

Butler: No sir, I am not your sidekick. I am your butler. I do not go.

Raymond: Fine, I’ll go by myself.

Butler: Excellent, the super car is in the super garage!

Raymond: I have a car? But, I don't know how to drive.

Butler: In that case, I'll get you exact change for the bus, sir.

(BOTH EXIT)

A TOWN SCENE POPS UP. A BUNCH OF PUPPETS RUN FRANTICALLY THROUGH THE TOWN SCREAMING.
Raymond: (ENTERS PANTING) Ok, I am here to save the day. Where is the monster?

Townperson 1: I don’t know but I heard it is really huge!

Townperson 2: I heard it has a super big green mouth!

Townperson 3: I heard it eats superheroes!

Raymond: But... but... but...I don't want to be eaten!

Townperson 3: Wow, I feel confident knowing the fate of our town is in your hands.

All Townspeople: Were doomed! Agh!

(ALL PUPPETS FREEZE IN PLACE. FAIRY GOD MOTHER AND FAIRY GODFATHER ENTER)

Fairy Godmother: What were you thinking? I leave you alone for two hours and you do this?!!

Fairy Godfather: but…

Fairy Godfather: Two hours and you almost got our godchild killed.

Fairy Godfather: Well, he said he wanted to save the world.

Fairy Godmother: So, you decided to make a ten year old a superhero!

Fairy Godfather: Uhhh...

Fairy Godmother: And then left him alone? He's only a child, Bruce!

Fairy Godfather: (BLUSTERING) I know it! But he...he needed to learn a lesson about being grateful for who he was.

Fairy Godmother: And you were going to let him get eaten by an asparagus to teach him?

Fairy Godfather: I told you, He said he wanted to save the world!

Fairy Godmother: You are going to need someone to save you. (FAIRY GODMOTHER SPEAKS TO RAYMOND WHO RESUMES MOVEMENT. TOWNSPEOPLE REMAIN FROZEN) Raymond! Don’t cry. I am your fairy godmother.

Raymond: I don’t want a fairy godmother. I just want to go home and be a little boy again.

Fairy Godmother: Raymond, you could have gone home at any time. All you have to do is click the heels of your red superhero shoes together and say,"There's no place like home.".

Raymond: Really, but who will save the town from the monster?

Fairy Godmother: Your fairy godfather.

Fairy Godfather: What?

Fairy Godmother: You heard me. (TO RAYMOND) You go on home now.

Raymond: Okay. (LOOKS AT SHOES) There's no place like home. There's no place like home. (EVERYONE ON STAGE DROPS FROM SIGHT AND TOWN SCENE DISAPPEARS)

Raymond: (LOOKS UP AND SEES HE IS HOME) Mom? Mom!

Mom: (ENTERING) Yes? What is it... (NOTICES ROOM IS STILL A MESS) Raymond, I thought I told you to clean your room.

Raymond: Mom! I'm back! (RUNS TO HER AND HUGS HER)

Mom: (SURPRISED) Back? Wha?... What are you doing in that costume?

Raymond: It's nothing. I’m sorry I didn't clean my room like to told me to, Mom. I’ll do it right now, and later... later, can I go to bed at 8:00?

Mom: You're asking to go to bed at 8:00?

Raymond: Oh, and can we have asparagus for supper?

Mom: (SUDDENLY SUSPICIOUS) All right, Raymond. What is it you want?

Raymond: Nothing, mom. I'm just glad I'm a kid again. (HUGS MOM AND EXITS)

Mom: (TO AUDIENCE) A kid again? (CALLS LOUDLY TO OFFSTAGE) Raymond? (EXIT MOM)